In order to expand my skills beyond wood-chopping, I thought I would take a Wilderness First Aid class. For, you know, those occasions where I gotta haul a 225 pound guy out of the BW who is showing signs of heart failure. And, uh, for those times where I get to whip out my cotton thread and needle and stitch up my kids split knee when we're 5 miles from home. Or the nearest hospital.
I have had a healthy (read: fear) anticipation of this class taught by the Wilderness Medicine Institute of NOLS (read: grizzly Adam types).
In order to prepare I did some light reading on the class course info. The first of five pages listed Activities and Risks. Risks? Whoah. Who said anything about ME getting hurt? I thought I was going to learn how to make an ace wrap using birch bark. I mean I should only have to shake up the chemical hand warmers for the hypothermic right?
Physical activities may include running, hiking repetitive lifting and carrying (Who I wonder?) Certain activities will require travel by foot over unimproved roads, rugged off-terrain, river crossings, snow, ice, steep slopes, slippery rocks and other features.
Um, does anyone have an extra pair of hiking boots and helicopter? I might need to evacuate myself.
To continue...
Environmental risks (what a minute..is this PC? Are we gonna step on some weeds in the process? 'Cause if so...) and hazards include flowing, deep and cold water; insects, snakes, animals, falling and rolling rock; lightning, falling timber, and unpredictable forces of nature, including weather which may change to extreme conditions without notice. Possible injuries may include hypothermia, frostbite, sunburn, heatstroke, dehydration and other serious conditions.
Who makes up this stuff? Does anyone have a snowsuit, ice pick and chainsaw I can borrow? I'm hoping I can squeeze them into my backpack with my PB & J sandwich.
Training, under close staff supervision, may include the option of injecting, and being injected.
Injected? By what? Can anyone get me some antihistamine and rash cream? I'm already breaking out.
Risks associated with this training include being dropped or otherwise mishandled while being carried; unwelcome touching while acting the roll of the patient and emotional distress.
On a lighter note...
Frequently stage blood and make-up will be used to emphasize the reality of a scenario.
Anyone know of a good counselor? I might need one.
And some Kleenex.
And some make up remover.
Equipment may fail or malfunction.
Like when I'm rappelling down the 500 foot cliff or traversing a cable across the Class V river? I thought I'd be learning this stuff through a textbook and a poor PowerPoint presentation.
WMI staff will be available to more fully explain to me the nature and physical demands of my WMI course and the inherent risks, hazards and dangers associated with this course.
And here I thought I was gonna learn how to create a backwoods syring using a zip lock bag and a knife. Man, if I'm gonna ever adventure into the woods again, I'm going to need to haul a suit case-sized medical kit with me. And I'd better never go any further than our trusty St. Croix. Geez.
So, can anyone lend me a bio hazard suit, some band aids, narcotics, burn gel, cold packs, cervical collar, body board, two pints of plasma, and good health insurance?
I think I'm going to be sick.
5 comments:
Hey now -- who's 225 lbs?!?
Seriously. You think anyone is going to mistake your whisper-thin frame for 225?
i'm glad you guys had that comment exchange because I was feelin' sorry for Andy with his sudden 50 pound weight gain...or the fact that he had to compete (possibly even take on) with the 225 pound new friend of Pam's.
All theoretical, my friends, just theoretical.
Unless I have to carry the canoe, two packs and Andy all at the same time.
My mouth is hanging open...I'm not even sure what to say!
;)
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